Here’s the podcast version of the March 2015 Dirty Boys reading. It was an amazing show, hope you enjoy it! (It’s the first two on the list.)
[I posted this some other places a few months ago, but realized I’ve never posted it here before.]
I like to write realistic sex scenes. I also like helping people improve their writing. Let me let you in on a secret. I rarely read erotica. I only read stuff that my other writer friends write, and most of them don’t read erotica either. Let’s face it, most of it is utter shit, and I want to develop this series to show you why it’s bad, and how to fix it. Let’s call today’s lesson: What To Call Your Junk.
What takes me out of a scene immediately? Throbbing members. Oh my god. Go up to someone you’re intimate with and say “throbbing member.” They laughed, didn’t they? You could barely say it with a straight face. So why, oh why, would you use that in writing your sex scene? “Reginald plunged his throbbing member into her.” Ugh.
Rule No. 1: Name your junk. Pick two solid euphemisms per part. I like to use cock and dick. That’s what the majority of people call them, that’s what I can say in bed comfortably without my partner falling out of bed laughing. It doesn’t break the moment in real life, and it won’t in your writing either. “Reginald plunged his cock into her.” See, that’s better.
When Reginald had a “throbbing member” you probably also pictured a whole bunch of other stuff too. Puffy poet shirts and *Fabio like hair blowing in the wind. Regular guys have cocks. You or someone you know likely has a cock. Absurd fairy tale penis-havers have throbbing members.
My go-to words for vagina are pussy and cunt. Yes, cunt is controversial, but I’m vulgar and I don’t give a fuck. That’s what I call it in real life. I tend to use cunt a little more judiciously, though, mostly for rougher sex scenes. There are so many terrible euphemisms for vagina. Slot, box, slit. You aren’t the goddamn mailman. Pick two that you can say, in bed, with a straight face, that’s my rule.
Why two? One gets monotonous: Reginald plunged his dick into her pussy. “Oh, Reg,” she moaned, “your dick is so big and hard.” As she said that, his dick became even harder. “Take my dick, take all of it,” he cried out.
Two is a little variety, but it keeps you in the story: Reginald plunged his dick into her pussy. “Oh, Reg,” she moaned, “your cock is so big and hard.” As she said that, he became even harder. “Take my cock, all of it,” he cried out.
So I used both terms there, and even took one reference right out. You know exactly what I mean when I said he became even harder. It ain’t his triceps we’re talking about, you know it, I know it, and Reginald’s partner sure knows it.
I hate reading a piece where the writer uses every bit of cheesy terminology they can think of, it’s distracting. It doesn’t make your piece more interesting, it places it squarely in that bad erotica category. Technically, I generally may use three terms for a longer piece, but I’ll only use it maybe once, and my third word is almost always penis or vagina. It’s just my preference, and that’s how I speak in real life.
That’s it for today’s topic. If this has been helpful to your writing in anyway, let me know.
*I couldn’t remember his fucking name, I had to Google it as “male model hit by bird.”
Every single time I’ve been asked by LELO to review another product, the first thing my guy asks is “Is it a new TOR?” To say we loved the TOR II was an understatement. We’ve burned through two of them, and have been eagerly anticipating a new version.
PINO is a cock ring on steroids. It’s much bulkier, it has the variable speed control, the built-in rechargeable battery. It also has this…cleft thing on top, which apparently is meant to rub up next to and stimulate the female in this equation.
I’m going to go ahead and say it right here: The TOR II is much, much, much better. Why? It’s more compact. The bulk of the PINO means that it takes up more space on the penis. The more space it takes up, the less gets to be inserted into whatever your orifice of choice is. You aren’t getting a deep pounding with this one.
The other problem is the clefty thingie. It never quite fit or rested where it was supposed to on my end, it always missed the mark. With the flat surface of the TOR II, you always had a reliable place to press up against, no matter the position.
The speed/vibration is great, not an issue at all. I’ve come to expect no less from LELO, and that never disappoints. PINO is trying to be too much of a good thing, and it overshot it’s mark. (One amusing tidbit for the people who name the toys: I kept calling the PINO by name, but my guy kept thinking I was asking for pinot, the wine. He just calls it the new TOR.)
The PicoBong TRANSFORMER
I really wanted to like this toy. I loved the message of a gender free toy, fun for everyone. The design was intriguing, fresh and fun. It’s two elongated bulbs, joined by a long, bendable part. The idea is that you can take this toy and use it in any number of creative ways. It sure looked cool.
So, when it came, we were really eager to try this out. However, the first thing we noticed: The hole for the charger IS ON AN INSERTABLE END. There’s a little trap door-like cover for it, sure, but it doesn’t secure down smoothly. There’s a freaking ridge there. Ew. That end immediately became the hot potato. Neither of us wanted that part in us, so we were down to one insertable end. Which sucked, because we really wanted to try it with a vibe end in each person. I mean, that’s the very first thing that comes to mind when you look at it, right?
If poop squicks you out, stop reading this review right now.
All right, so one end. Fine. My guy put the non-charger end in himself, and we tried to wind the other end between his legs around so it would vibrate against me while we had sex. We couldn’t get it to hit me right, and it was feeling uncomfortable in his ass, so he took it out… and this was the most horrifying sex toy moment I’ve ever had.
Look, poop doesn’t gross me out. It’s part of butt play, sometimes it’s not quite as clean as you’d hoped. It happens. I spent many years in health care. Poop and I are well acquainted. But… when he pulled it out…PicoBong has embossed their logo on the end. The end that was in his butt. And we noticed that logo because it was now brown and full of poop. And it was really fucking gross.
I can’t even look at the damn thing now without thinking about that. I haven’t even touched it since then. Instant turnoff. All of five minutes of play, and I’m done. I will never touch this thing again.
Oh, and did I mention the vibrator controls are on the end as well? The end you’re supposed to take out when it’s all lubed up (or worse) and try to press tiny little buttons to change the settings. No one wants to take it out to change the settings. Why would you design it that way?
On the bright side, my guy says he really likes it for masturbating. He wraps it around so it vibrates against his balls. So there’s that. We both agree that moving the controls, the charger, and the logo to a little tab in the middle would vastly improve everything. Basically an entire redesign. Better luck next time, PicoBong.
The brand new INA Wave from LELO is a resounding hell yes.
The big new feature is the “come hither motion,” which feels like thrusting/fingers. And it feels very, very good. If I was a very thorough reviewer, I’d give you a break down of each setting, but honestly, once I felt the come hither motion, I didn’t care what other settings it had. The INA Wave gave me orgasms so fast and intense they were almost painful, in a good way.
Another feature I love is the dedicated on/off switch. FINALLY! And it remembers your last setting, which is fantastic. No more scrolling through every single variation trying to find the one you want.
There are two changes I’d like to see, however: I wished the insertable end was bigger. A lot bigger. If they made an extra large version of this, I’d buy it in a minute. The other thing I desperately wanted was to be able to adjust the rabbit end. I had to do a lot of wiggling and adjusting to get it to hit my clit. If it was even a teeny bit bendy, it would be a tremendous improvement. I had a flashback to the “That’s not it, nope, not there either…” moment we’ve all felt.
This one is a winner. Between the simulated thrusting and their oral sex simulator ORA line, I am wondering when they plan on launching a full out sex robot. Buy it here (the INA Wave, not the sex robot.) (If you could use my affiliate link that would rock!)
Next up: Tomorrow I will be reviewing the TRANSFORMER from PicoBong.
This past week, Lelo launched two new products, the Luna Smart Bead and the Ora 2. They were kind enough to send me one of each to review. Along with the toys, they also sent me a lovely gift bag full of goodies, and I’d like to review two of the products from that as well. If you decide to purchase any of these products, please use my affiliate link!
This product is designed to help strengthen pelvic floor muscles. It’s a relatively small little gadget, shaped sort of like a big flattened jelly bean with a little loop on one end. The idea is you turn it on, insert it, and it buzzes to remind you to do a Kegel. It’s a very low buzz, not like vibrator strength, which takes it squarely out of the “sex toy” category.
This one really wasn’t for me, for several reasons. First: I already have some pretty damn strong pelvic muscles. The Luna Smart Bead is definitely for people who need to develop some muscle tone down there. Next reason: I couldn’t get used to wearing it around. I’m probably one of the five women on earth who doesn’t use tampons, I’m guessing those who do wouldn’t mind this as much. Last reason, (this is totally on me and not the device) I’ve been doing physical therapy for several months due to a nasty knee injury and this just felt like one more thing I had to squeeze (no pun intended) into my physical routine.
The Luna Smart Bead is battery powered, unlike most of their rechargeable products. I had some difficultly with the settings. At first I thought I’d put a bad battery in it, and went to find another one, but then I heard it buzzing by the time I came back. Also, since you fully insert it, you have to take it out and clean it off, change the setting, then reinsert it…I think? I’m fairly sure there’s something to this I’m missing. There are supposed to be 5 settings, but I can’t figure out if it’s by pushing the button or if it just gradually goes through all the speeds. I also couldn’t figure out how to turn it off, so I’ve just been taking the battery out when I’m done.
If there was ever a candidate for product with a remote control, this is it.
I can see the appeal of the Luna Smart Bead though. Kegels are really tedious, and this is a fun way to do it. I did actually find myself doing regular Kegels more often this past week just by virtue of thinking about the Luna Smart Bead. Sex-wise, we couldn’t feel any difference, because, as I said, I already have plenty of strength in that area. Buy it here.
I love the original Ora. I did a rave review on the first version and when Lelo said they were doing an updated version, I couldn’t imagine what needed improvement. The difference between the two is like getting oral sex from someone who finally graduated from oral sex school.
The Ora 2 has a much bigger “tongue,” so much bigger that it was the first thing I noticed when I opened it. It moves so much slower and more deliberate. In comparison, the Ora is like the overeager partner that wants to get you off right now, while the Ora 2 is the more relaxed and languid lover. I held one in each hand and ran through all the cycles (ten, I believe). The vibrations seem just a bit more heavier with the newer version, but not a lot…and that’s fine. The vibe power is pretty damn strong, but pleasurable strong, not-numb-your-bits-before-you-come strong. I love this toy so hard.
The only thing I could wish for, as mentioned in my original Ora review, is a setting to make the little robot tongue simply move up and down. The only movements are circular (including semi-circular), and the up and down is my preference when I’m getting the real thing. Buy it here.
These next two products were sent along as goodies. I wasn’t asked to review them, but I’m loving them so much that I want to tell you about them anyway. The Personal Moisturizer is a top notch water based lubricant. My partner said it felt like I was really, really wet, not lubed up. It’s not greasy, heavy, or sticky, it feels so natural. It didn’t dry out, and we didn’t have to stop and apply more. This is absolutely my new go-to lube.
The other gift I received was their toy cleaning spray. It’s antibacterial, smells clean but not like chemicals. Spray it on, wait five seconds, wipe it off. Easy peasy, and cleans very well. Love this stuff so much.
As always, many thanks to Lelo for providing me with so much lovely stuff to review!
So much filthy, dirty, fun stuff happened at the latest reading! I read a few sections from “My Girlfriend Jake,” as well as a few pieces from the blog. One new thing we tried was a writing prompt. Readers sent in various prompts and photos, and we picked one by the very lovely Piper. Each of us read our interpretation of the photo below. Here’s mine, and I’ll link to the other pieces at the end. I will post links to the audio as soon as it’s available. This was a hell of a show, so many amazing stories!
“Show me your new tattoo, did you get something pretty?” Daddy asked me. I stepped out of my little plaid skirt and pulled my panties down around my ankles and waited for his reaction.
“I see,” was all Daddy said. He frowned and turned away. My heart thudded so hard that for a moment, I felt like I was going to pass out.
“Growing old is a crime, eh?” he said quietly. I didn’t need to translate it for him. I stood very still as he walked in slow circles around me. He stroked his graying beard thoughtfully. He stopped in front of me and crossed his arms in front of his chest. I looked down at my feet, avoiding his gaze. Maybe I hadn’t thought this through as much as I should have.
“Did those boys you’ve been with fuck you better than me?” he growled suddenly.
“No, Daddy,” I whimpered, still not meeting his eyes.
“Did those boys punish you better? Maybe you’d be happier being the fuck toy of someone your own age?” Daddy was so angry, more than I’d ever seen.
“No Daddy,” I trembled. He paced across the room, deciding what to do with me. He stood by the open door for a moment, and I was afraid he was going to order me to leave. What had I done?
Instead, he paced back over to me, grabbing a handful of my hair. “I’ll show you what kind of punishment an old man can still inflict,” he hissed in my ear. Daddy marched me over to the bed and flung me across his lap.
I bit my lip to hold back a smile as his favorite strap whistled through the air. I’d thought this through exactly right.
Read Guy New York’s post here.
Once again I’m heading to New York City and teaming up with the Dirty Boys to bring you an evening of literary debauchery. I’ll have a limited number of copies of “My Girlfriend Jake” available. If you’ve been to a reading before, please note the change in venue. If you’ve never been to a reading before, you are in for a delicious, fantastic, filthy evening.
So, I’ve been puttering around on and off with this novel for a few years. I was on a roll with it when I got into a car accident last summer, and then I just kind of stopped…I had a hand injury that made it hard to type more than a little bit.
I’m trying desperately to get off my ass and finish it now that my hand is better and I’ve run out of excuses, so mostly as encouragement to myself (and a kick in the ass), I’m publishing the first chapter here. Thoughts? Keep going? Burn it to the fucking ground? I’m around 50,000 words into it, give or take:
The House of Nobles
Lexi snatches the crimson envelope out of my hand as I try to hide it from her.
“You applied?” she asks with a smirk.
“When did this come? Why haven’t you opened it?” Lexi shakes it in front of my face.
“A couple weeks ago, I guess,” I shrug.
“What the fuck? It’s time to find out.” Before I can protest, she rips the top from the envelope. The tear is long and jagged, the crimson envelope looks like a bloody mouth.
Lexi lets the envelope float to the floor as she unfolds the thick cream colored pages. She reads for a moment, then looks at me dramatically over the tops of her glasses as she reads aloud:
Your application has been accepted. Please report to the Prospect selection, date and time noted below. Enclosed is your transportation ticket, waivers, and rules and regulations. Please bring all completed paperwork with you on your selection day.
Head of the Academy,
The House of Nobles
Lexi rifles through the pages and holds up a printed ticket edged in that same deep crimson.
“That’s only two days from now, Val!”
I snatch the ticket and the sheaf of papers from Lexi and throw them on the table.
“Do you even know why you want to do this?” Lexi asks me.
“I…I’ve always wanted to be a Noble,” I stutter. It’s all I can think of to say, my mind suddenly seems blank. They’ve accepted me, that’s all that matters. I can go if I want.
Lexi looks at me, eyebrow cocked, hands on her hips. “Val, a few years ago you always wanted to be a veterinarian. Before that you wanted to be a singer.” She puts her arm around my shoulder, squeezing me with a little side hug. “Sweetie, let’s be honest. You’re sort of pretty and all, but you really aren’t Noble material.”
“It’s not about being pretty, it’s about being dedicated to something, bigger than yourself,” I argue, pushing her away.
“Oh, I see. Did you take that right from the brochure?” Lexi asks sarcastically.
“Does it matter? I can’t take this anymore, this nothingness of a life. I’m sick of it all Lex, I need something else,” I fight back tears. I can’t make her understand. Lexi has a good life, an interesting job, everything comes easy to her while I can never catch a break. She’s gorgeous, people stop and stare at her long blond waves and shining blue eyes. I feel like a study in brown. Brown hair, brown eyes. Nothing sparkles or shines. Not even a dimple.
I’m tired of everything. Sitting in the same beige cubicle, answering the same beige plastic phone, listening to the same complaints. I’m tired of trudging home under murky gray skies, watching the world flicker by one channel at a time. I’m tired of the unceasing chatter. I don’t care what movie star fucked who, or what new weapon is being developed in what might as well be a galaxy far, far away.
“What about Ryan? What does he think about all this?” she asks, folding her arms.
Ryan. Shit. Continue reading