I tell my husband, JD, that it must be the flu. He says it’s going around, kisses my forehead, leaves for work. The instant the car pulls from the driveway, I begin. I’ve felt this day hovering in the horizon. A slow sick feeling starts in my heart and spreads outward, poison seeps into my brain. I am utterly defenseless. A therapist once asked what would happen if I didn’t give in. I don’t know, I’m not yet strong enough to find out. When I first married, I told my husband I liked pain with sex. He told me I needed more therapy.
Starting with the kitchen, I look for anything pinchy, sharp, moderately dangerous. I grab the clip from the bag of Doritos. I test a binder clip against my arm, but that’s too much even for me. I pull open every drawer in the bathroom, and make a small pile of stuff on the bed, hair clips, a brush, anything.
There are rules to this. If I’m going to just masturbate, I set a timer and I have to masturbate the entire time. If I hurt myself, I have to lie still and endure it until the timer goes off. I can’t masturbate for relief until the timer goes off. Generally, one cycle of this is enough. The black cloud bursts and the relief comes, bright and brilliant.
I clamp little butterfly hair clips all over my breasts, the rough teeth break my skin. I set the timer for five minutes and reach down between my legs. I can’t climax. I try again and set the timer for ten minutes, then fifteen. It isn’t enough. My head isn’t clearing, it’s getting worse. Continue reading