[I posted this some other places a few months ago, but realized I’ve never posted it here before.]

 

I like to write realistic sex scenes. I also like helping people improve their writing. Let me let you in on a secret. I rarely read erotica. I only read stuff that my other writer friends write, and most of them don’t read erotica either. Let’s face it, most of it is utter shit, and I want to develop this series to show you why it’s bad, and how to fix it. Let’s call today’s lesson: What To Call Your Junk.

What takes me out of a scene immediately? Throbbing members. Oh my god. Go up to someone you’re intimate with and say “throbbing member.” They laughed, didn’t they? You could barely say it with a straight face. So why, oh why, would you use that in writing your sex scene? “Reginald plunged his throbbing member into her.” Ugh.

Rule No. 1: Name your junk. Pick two solid euphemisms per part. I like to use cock and dick. That’s what the majority of people call them, that’s what I can say in bed comfortably without my partner falling out of bed laughing. It doesn’t break the moment in real life, and it won’t in your writing either. “Reginald plunged his cock into her.” See, that’s better.

When Reginald had a “throbbing member” you probably also pictured a whole bunch of other stuff too. Puffy poet shirts and *Fabio like hair blowing in the wind. Regular guys have cocks. You or someone you know likely has a cock. Absurd fairy tale penis-havers have throbbing members.

My go-to words for vagina are pussy and cunt. Yes, cunt is controversial, but I’m vulgar and I don’t give a fuck. That’s what I call it in real life. I tend to use cunt a little more judiciously, though, mostly for rougher sex scenes. There are so many terrible euphemisms for vagina. Slot, box, slit. You aren’t the goddamn mailman. Pick two that you can say, in bed, with a straight face, that’s my rule.

Why two? One gets monotonous: Reginald plunged his dick into her pussy. “Oh, Reg,” she moaned, “your dick is so big and hard.” As she said that, his dick became even harder. “Take my dick, take all of it,” he cried out.

Ew.

Two is a little variety, but it keeps you in the story: Reginald plunged his dick into her pussy. “Oh, Reg,” she moaned, “your cock is so big and hard.” As she said that, he became even harder. “Take my cock, all of it,” he cried out.

So I used both terms there, and even took one reference right out. You know exactly what I mean when I said he became even harder. It ain’t his triceps we’re talking about, you know it, I know it, and Reginald’s partner sure knows it.

I hate reading a piece where the writer uses every bit of cheesy terminology they can think of, it’s distracting. It doesn’t make your piece more interesting, it places it squarely in that bad erotica category. Technically, I generally may use three terms for a longer piece, but I’ll only use it maybe once, and my third word is almost always penis or vagina. It’s just my preference, and that’s how I speak in real life.

That’s it for today’s topic. If this has been helpful to your writing in anyway, let me know.

*I couldn’t remember his fucking name, I had to Google it as “male model hit by bird.”

So much filthy, dirty, fun stuff happened at the latest reading! I read a few sections from “My Girlfriend Jake,” as well as a few pieces from the blog. One new thing we tried was a writing prompt. Readers sent in various prompts and photos, and we picked one by the very lovely Piper. Each of us read our interpretation of the photo below. Here’s mine, and I’ll link to the other pieces at the end. I will post links to the audio as soon as it’s available. This was a hell of a show, so many amazing stories!

 

Writing Prompt:

“Show me your new tattoo, did you get something pretty?” Daddy asked me. I stepped out of my little plaid skirt and pulled my panties down around my ankles and waited for his reaction.

“I see,” was all Daddy said. He frowned and turned away. My heart thudded so hard that for a moment, I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Growing old is a crime, eh?” he said quietly. I didn’t need to translate it for him. I stood very still as he walked in slow circles around me. He stroked his graying beard thoughtfully. He stopped in front of me and crossed his arms in front of his chest. I looked down at my feet, avoiding his gaze. Maybe I hadn’t thought this through as much as I should have.

“Did those boys you’ve been with fuck you better than me?” he growled suddenly.

“No, Daddy,” I whimpered, still not meeting his eyes.

“Did those boys punish you better? Maybe you’d be happier being the fuck toy of someone your own age?” Daddy was so angry, more than I’d ever seen.

“No Daddy,” I trembled. He paced across the room, deciding what to do with me. He stood by the open door for a moment, and I was afraid he was going to order me to leave. What had I done?

Instead, he paced back over to me, grabbing a handful of my hair. “I’ll show you what kind of punishment an old man can still inflict,” he hissed in my ear. Daddy marched me over to the bed and flung me across his lap.

I bit my lip to hold back a smile as his favorite strap whistled through the air. I’d thought this through exactly right.

 

Read Guy New York’s post here.

Here’s Gibson Grand’s interpretation.

And one from Jack Stratton!

 

 

 

Once again I’m heading to New York City and teaming up with the Dirty Boys to bring you an evening of literary debauchery. I’ll have a limited number of copies of “My Girlfriend Jake” available. If you’ve been to a reading before, please note the change in venue. If you’ve never been to a reading before, you are in for a delicious, fantastic, filthy evening.

Jake’s laying on the bed, he gasps when I walk in from the bathroom.

“Oh,” is all he says, not with disappointment, but with wonder and delight. “Oh,” he says again, then grabs me by the hips and pulls me on top of him.

I notice Jake’s stubble is gone, he’s baby-faced, smooth, for me. I let him pull the white t-shirt up over my head.

Caressing me slowly, he traces his fingers across my breasts so delicately that it almost tickles. He looks at me, really looks at me, seeing me with different eyes. He runs a warm palm over my curves, lingering over my hip, my thigh.  I close my eyes and remember my first time with a woman, how frightened and excited I was. I was afraid to touch her, I thought I would break her, and this is how Jake is touching me now.

He takes a nipple into his mouth, but he doesn’t bite. The tip of his tongue flutters against me and he sucks lightly, pinching my other nipple gently. I did that to my girlfriend, wanting to love her and hurt her all in the same moment.

At the moment where we’d usually cut to the chase and fuck, he slows down even more. He drifts across my body, kissing and rubbing long neglected spots. I grab handfuls of the bed sheets, writhing under him.

I long to reach up, to take a pair of breasts in my hands, to explore the sweet triangle between a woman’s legs. Rising up, I gently suck one of Jake’s nipples, rubbing his crotch over the top of the panties. Our lips finally meet, and hungrily we kiss.

I spread my legs for him, wanting him to thrust his cock in me, but he doesn’t. Instead he inserts a finger, drawing it in and out excruciatingly slow. One hand rests on my thigh, as if to say “settle in, darling, we’re spending a long time right here.”

It’s been a long time since anyone teased me this long and sensuously. Jake reaches over, grabs my purple vibrator and switches it on. He presses it against my clit, traces around my pussy, everything except inserting it.

I’m losing my mind.

“Would you like to watch me?” I whisper into his ear. Wordlessly, he presses the vibrator into my hand. He’s been asking for this for a long time, and I’ve denied him, wanting to save something for only myself. But now, this moment, it seems right.

The vibrator hums loudly as I crank the power up and thrust it into myself. I’ve only let him see me masturbate once before this, but it was a long time ago. Eagerly, he shifts around on the bed for a better view.

I spread wider, drawing the vibrator in and out of my pussy with one hand, rubbing my clit in slow circles with the other hand. Jake is mesmerized, I catch and meet his eyes, he seems almost embarrassed by the sudden intimacy. His cock pushes against the panties, but he ignores it.

I’m excited by him watching, much more than I thought I would be. I feel the wet spot spreading out underneath me, the tiny splashes as I fuck myself. Jake’s breath is heavy. Maybe a little too theatrically, I thrash and moan, but he doesn’t notice the exaggeration.

“Come here,”  I say softly.

Jake edges closer to me, I take his hand and guide it over the top of my other hand clenched around the vibrator. Together we thrust it in and out of my pussy.

“Kiss me,” I say.

Jake leans over and kisses me deeply. I dart the very tip of my tongue past his teeth and out again. The next time, he catches my tongue and sucks it lightly. We fuck me more urgently, our hands clasped together, slick from my juices. I moan into his mouth, no theatrics this time. He pulls away a little.

“I wanna watch you come,” he whispers. I nod.

Jake sits back, releasing his grip on the vibrator, letting me take back complete control. Faster and faster, I force the vibrator in and out. I let my mind wander to when I used to fuck my girlfriend like this, watching, waiting for the little flexes of tension in her belly, when my mouth would meet her cunt to lap up the juices I made her spill. How I would kiss her, our faces hot and sticky with each other.

“Fuck it,” I hear him say from someplace far away.

I feel Jake take the vibrator from my hand, he’s inside me now, the panties pulled down just enough to release his cock. I’m so wet that his cock nearly slides all the way out of me. His hand grips the hair on the nape of my neck, I reach around and grab his hair too.

“I’m so close,” I gasp, and the words are barely out of my mouth when I erupt.

You know you wanna read the rest of this. Buy it here on Amazon, and don’t forget to leave a review.   In the UK? Buy it here! 

Cover art by the fabulous Yao Xiao.

 

As a self-publishing writer, it never hurts to experiment. Several of my writer friends have published books under other pseudonyms than their usual ones, so I tried it. Result: Fail. So I took my *other* fake name off it and re-published it under my own.

This is a fun little fantasy story about a woman who wins a cruise with the boy band she used to worship back in high school. I think the title gives maybe a little of the plot away. You can buy it here for US Kindle. In the UK? Buy it here.

 

I was invited back to read with The Dirty Boys last week in NYC. What a fucking amazing group of writers, I can’t even tell you. Just listen to the whole thing, seriously.

Here’s the whole show, in two parts. I’ll also have it up on my podcast, but since the files are so friggin’ huge, I won’t be able to post the second half until March, I suggest you just listen to it all here instead.

Readers for the evening were Gibson Grand, Guy New York, Jack Stratton, and myself. The depraved emcee for the evening was Pirate Tom.

This is going to be so full of awesome, you should come!